Welcome to Yogilates for Nihilists

So you are here for this session of Yogilates. Some of you I have seen here before, some are new to this. You may find that the exercises become easier with time, but this will subside, of course, as your body is inevitably wearing out as the years pass. Please lie down on your back and try to find a somewhat comfortable or at least bearable position. Inhale, stretch your legs and your arms, exhale, pull up your knees to your chest, and wrap your hands around your shins. Rock slowly from side to side while imagining that this fetal pose offers protection and consolation. Inhale and stretch out again, then exhale and sit up, cross your legs and come forward onto all fours, if you can still manage to do it this way. Inhale while letting your belly drop, exhale while rounding your back. Hold the pose. Keep holding it. Hold on, and feel how the lack of breath compresses your stomach into a hard lump of anxiety. Inhale again, while curling your toes into the ground, straightening your legs and lowering your head. Get down on your legs while keeping your arms on the ground. Repeat this cycle four times at your own speed. Don’t forget your breathing. Now sense the futility of movement as you repeat this cycle four more times. Stretch, exhale, fold, hold the tension. Now get on your knees, raise your arms and head toward the sky, inhale while keeping your arms stretched out and letting them drop slightly to your sides. The opening motion might give you an illusion of connectedness, but you are all alone.

(spoken in the grave voice of Portia Brockway, who is an excellent instructor, by the way)